Top 50 Henny Youngman Quotes

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put ‘page 2.’

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she‘ll kill me.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who‘ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she‘ll kill me.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

Take my wife… Please!

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who‘ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.

She’s a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she’d kill me. She thinks I’m selling dope.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.